Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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