it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
