i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
