i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
