The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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