Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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