I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
