Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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