just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
