It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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