remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
