she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
