bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
