Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
