I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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