wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
