yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
