so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
