are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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