Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
