Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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