I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
