Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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