Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
