tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
