he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
