I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Randomize
