false alarm. still invincible.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
