I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
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