did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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