In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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