I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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