The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
