I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize