what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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