We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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