Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
