I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
