I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
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