ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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