Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
