god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
