nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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