I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
