Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
