two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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