Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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