there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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