yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
