there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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