omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
