My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just threw up on my dentist
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
