Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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