A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
