i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
