Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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