I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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