put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
