Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
